Pain and Joy

I never wrote about my experience with severe preeclampsia and delivering my son at 24weeks, and everything that followed. Not here. Not in a personal journal. I never felt that I could put those enormous feelings into words.

To be honest, I'm still not sure if I can. I think the best I can do is tell a few stories as they bubble up to the surface. I have to figure a way to get these feelings out before the new baby comes --- I'm 22 weeks pregnant and the idea of being hit by the freight train of feelings and emotions again is ... crazy. unimaginable. I've had some episodes of PTSD because of these experiences and I hope writing it down will prevent further traumatic stress with this pregnancy/delivery.  (Nothing bad has come up yet, but still can. It only took a week to go so quickly downhill before.)

But, how can I? It's so much. It's so heavy. There is so much.

Let me see if I can figure a way to break it up.

Getting severe preeclampsia
Hospital monitoring/predelivery
HELLP
My hospital stay
Counting hours
Back to work
Mom's First Hold/Dad's First Hold
Getting bagged, midnight calls, & the ER
Pumping
Making friends
Broken memories
Being 4 people
Kangaroo Care
Videos for Stella
Making a home
Breastfeeding
The prison sentence
Late term nicu care
Home with tubes
Normal life...?
PTSD
Milestones


I'm going to have to do bit by bit. 👀

All I know is that these stories have so much pain. But also so much joy. There are countless times where angels from heaven and earth ministered to us. There are so many people that feel so much more than friends after watching our son grow together. We have seen many miracles. For our family, and for other families.

I know that if we do have another early baby, we can do it. We made it through. Kaio is doing wonderfully. Soon it will be hard to tell he was half-baked. And the pain fades as he continues to progress. More joy. Endless joy, as he grows and develops.