My Hospital Stay

The remainder of my hospital stay is pretty fuzzy in my mind. I do remember what I did for the time but it does feel distorted from reality when I recall it now. Whether that is from drugs, exhaustion, pain, stress, or suppression of the whole thing, it's hard to say.

I do remember something specifically important which is why I'll give this portion a shot.

I was in the hospital for just under 3 days after my c-section. The entire time was spent in a 3 hr loop, more or less.

1st hour - pump
2nd hour - visit baby
3rd hour - eat or rest or paperwork or visitors

The visit baby hour would bleed into the rest hour if I had the energy to stay in the NICU. At that time, I couldn't touch Kaio and I could barely even see him in his little rainforest. The incubator humidity settings were high, so his isolette was very foggy and the lights were off often to reduce stimuli.

So, I'd sit. Look at him.

The nurses capable of caring for such a tiny person like Kaio were also very good at caring for moms/families of the very tiny people. I don't remember many conversations from the first bit, but they were done with kindness. They didn't talk if I didn't feel like talking. They did what they could to make me feel comfortable in my son's new home. They helped ease the inevitable mom guilt of not being able to carry a baby to term.

At one point I remember I was banned from visiting the NICU for a day because of my blood pressure and recovery needs. That was a long day. I pumped and sat in the quiet empty room feeling everything. Noting how horribly different the recovery of my first (36 week vaginal delivery) compared to this cold, empty, and lonely recovery of this 24 week baby. My postnatal nurse that day made me feel like I was a nuisance. (I don't really remember why... she might have been busy being the charge nurse also, and "since I didn't have a baby" shouldn't have needed care time...?)

In that hospital bed, alone in that room, I felt the companionship and literal presence of family putting comforting hands on my shoulders.

I can't hear this scripture without thinking of those moments. They kept all of me from completely falling apart.



When my time was up in the hospital, I very reluctantly packed and left. Many stories and circumstances know the pain of leaving the hospital without your baby. There are no words for it. It is like dropping a piece of your soul on the ground, and having to casually leave it there. It is undeniably horrible.


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