Pain and Joy

I never wrote about my experience with severe preeclampsia and delivering my son at 24weeks, and everything that followed. Not here. Not in a personal journal. I never felt that I could put those enormous feelings into words.

To be honest, I'm still not sure if I can. I think the best I can do is tell a few stories as they bubble up to the surface. I have to figure a way to get these feelings out before the new baby comes --- I'm 22 weeks pregnant and the idea of being hit by the freight train of feelings and emotions again is ... crazy. unimaginable. I've had some episodes of PTSD because of these experiences and I hope writing it down will prevent further traumatic stress with this pregnancy/delivery.  (Nothing bad has come up yet, but still can. It only took a week to go so quickly downhill before.)

But, how can I? It's so much. It's so heavy. There is so much.

Let me see if I can figure a way to break it up.

Getting severe preeclampsia
Hospital monitoring/predelivery
HELLP
My hospital stay
Counting hours
Back to work
Mom's First Hold/Dad's First Hold
Getting bagged, midnight calls, & the ER
Pumping
Making friends
Broken memories
Being 4 people
Kangaroo Care
Videos for Stella
Making a home
Breastfeeding
The prison sentence
Late term nicu care
Home with tubes
Normal life...?
PTSD
Milestones


I'm going to have to do bit by bit. 👀

All I know is that these stories have so much pain. But also so much joy. There are countless times where angels from heaven and earth ministered to us. There are so many people that feel so much more than friends after watching our son grow together. We have seen many miracles. For our family, and for other families.

I know that if we do have another early baby, we can do it. We made it through. Kaio is doing wonderfully. Soon it will be hard to tell he was half-baked. And the pain fades as he continues to progress. More joy. Endless joy, as he grows and develops.

The 6 Month Break

Well... I obviously am not a blogger. But this blog still exists.. and maybe people will read it? IDK it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

!

Stella is six months old now! YAY! She is super amazing at sitting up finally -but really- sitting up is not good enough for her. She is upset unless she can be standing/walking in some form. She likes going to the movies. I tried to cover her eyes during some scary ghost scenes but she wasn't having it.

 LET ME SEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Needless to say, she (thinks she) is independent. We had it coming since my main response to my mother was "I DO WHAT I WANT" and Kaio can often be heard saying "LET ME LIVE MY LIFE"
She is happy little cheeser, but let's see how she got here!

Visual Adventuretime! 

(A crap-ton of pictures with some explanations? If I feel like it.. so there.)

Itty bitty 0month old Stella.
Those eyebrows still working it to this day.

Doggie/baby cuddles. Aka the only reason to have both of these barnacles at the same time is so they can be cute together and love on each other.

I looked over at church one day and saw their hands were making a little heart....

awwwwwwwwwwww

(1 mo)

1-2 months

You got some fat on you! YAAAY!
We moved apartments and Gma Deidre came to visit again (bringing Gpa this time! :)

 

 

 At 2 months we went on a trip! First flight!
We saw allllll the lovely Great Grandmas!!! (and a few ggps too!)

Stella meeting her "Crazy Grandma"(my wonderful MIL... looking AMAZING right after surgery! Thank goodness she is feeling better now! )

So much many thanks to Gma Deidre who drove us to see Crazy Gma!!!

ha. butt.

Stickers! Cousin Rowan got a billion stickers put on him... that had to be soaked off later (sorry Lauren....)

Baby cuddles :))))))))))

Looks like a freshly hatched chicky, don't you think?

Either that, or very concerned about the toast gma is about to burn...

We saw so many/much friends and family on this trip!
Syd and her precious little Aspen! with me and my dumb face, and Stella.

Auntie Lala loving on wee little Stella.

Uncle Bern!
I had to go to a different store and so I told him that I could take her and he said, NO! I'm keeping her!
Haha

Shop til you drop Stella, shop til you drop.

Ready to go to her first wedding! (as a guest.. not a bride, silly!)

Cousins! (Second? Idk. Related.)

Great Aunt! Cuteness!

Carly! She will give birth to your future husband Stella... that's just that.

(Also, Stella made Carly feel like the family that she is by promptly pooping on her  >_< )

Stella doing a Gus impersonation on the flight home!

"I carry my own purse (diaper bag) to church!"

Kiss your second apartment goodbye Stella! Onto the next one!

(about 3 mo)

I haven't uploaded her baby blessing pictures yet so this cute little sleeper one will have to do.

(3 mo)

 
 

4 month old cuteness. She started smiling at the camera when she saw herself.

Hangin' with Daddy is the best.

Trying out adventure mode in the K'tan because of the next big trip around to see all the Warden side Aunts and Uncles. (without daddy though :(   )

Meeting Uncle David and Cousin Macy! <3

Our knight won a flower for this little heartbreaker at Medieval Times

Grandpa and Stella nap while David and I work on the crazy "all assembly required" swing set/monkey bar/fort/slide/picnic bench/time machine monstrosity

O_o

Double fan swaddle baby. She slept 93% of the time we were at Disney World.

Next time, don't make the baby costume out of scratchy burlap.

Baby will cry scream.

Uncle Brian being cute with Stella!

There aren't a lot of pictures at Brian and Anna's bc we just cuddled in their bedroom and watched tv.

It was great.

4 mo yawn face

Cousin Rowan!

... Is anybody still here.
This post is stupid long. You can leave and just pretend you finished. I'll never know.

Or stick it out? Maybe it will finish well...

The following four pictures I am labeling as "First Foods" although only 

one of them is actually from the night we gave her solids. (5mo)

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you!!!!

A quick trip to Idaho (again!) for an interview!

oh no!  :( being a baby is so rough!

A little acorn, Happy Thanksgiving!

"Mommy and I kidnapped Daddy!"

San Antonio River walk

Little cheeser

Dallas Stars hockey game

Soooo having this little cutie around is pretty fun! Somedays I wake up feeling like "I just can't mommy today" but then Stella usually does something adorable to make me forget that I feel totally incapable of being a functional human being, let alone a good mother.

Good news is, just like everything else, it's not really my strength that is worth anything. 

Yeah, it's not easy being a mommy but it is wonderful. And AWESOME.

Merry Christmas!